Faith and Family / Sean Gallagher

The challenges and blessings in getting ‘used to saying no’

“Get used to saying no.”

These are the words of St. Josemaria Escrivá, a Spanish saint who died in 1975. He was the founder of Opus Dei, an organization in the Church that promotes holiness in everyday life, especially among the laity.

This short exhortation was one of 999 spiritual maxims in St. Josemaria’s popular work The Way.

For such a short saying, there’s a lot to reflect upon. St. Josemaria could have written, “Say no sometimes” or just “Say no.” But he wrote instead, “Get used to saying no.”

That presumes that it’s not been a habit for us to say no, that we may find it hard to say no. We have to get used to doing it.

We’re moving into a season when parents can find it especially hard to say no. Our children have worked for months on Christmas wish lists. And they certainly let us parents know about them.

We don’t want to say no to them. It’s easier to say yes. There’s less conflict then—at least in the short term. And we want them to be happy.

But will saying yes make that so? The habits we as individuals build up in our lives, such as eating too many sweets, drinking too much beer or spending too much time online, make us feel good in the moment. But they fail in the long run to help us be truly happy.

Similarly, the yes we parents say to our children can keep them and our families from experiencing the authentic happiness and holiness that God has planned for us.

Parents can find it hard to say no to their children because of pressure they experience from many sources.

Marketers and retailers seek to persuade parents to say yes to children’s requests for the latest toys and fashions. But demanding expectations seep in countless ways through the broader culture into the lives of parents, especially regarding digital devices—and smartphones in particular.

Although they’ve only been widely available for about 15 years, smartphones have penetrated our culture from top to bottom and side to side.

Their presence in society is so pervasive that parents might not even experience pressure in considering whether or not their children should have one. They might simply presume that their children need such a phone in order to function in society.

In my experience as a parent, I’ve been concerned about the downside of smartphones, but have still experienced pressure in considering whether or not to allow my children to have them.

As my wife Cindy and I have grown in our lives as parents and become more familiar with digital devices and the good and bad effects they can have on children and families, we’ve become more careful about their presence in our home.

We’ve gotten used to saying no, as difficult as it can be.

But simply saying no isn’t enough for parents to lead their children to authentic happiness. If we say no to them when they ask for the latest smartphone or gaming platform, we need to offer other things for them to say yes to.

And as Catholic families, that’s first and foremost found in life-giving relationships within the home, with their peers and, most importantly, with Christ, the saints, angels and the Church.

A hidden Christmas gift we might give our children, then, is to help them build up the habit of saying no to what saps life from them and saying yes to the ultimate source of life, Jesus Christ our Lord. †